It felt great to give myself permission to follow up with #1 because these were tangible things. The matches gave me some control over #2 except I had hit or miss days with the meditation. I knew that 30 minutes seemed ambitious for my first project but I am still fighting my urge to please in this project. I set up a meditation area in my room. This was another tangible activity so it felt like my time for meditation was “official” which made me feel more devoted to the idea of practice. I could visually control this area with candles, fabric, and a favorite pillow but would get frustrated when my brain wouldn’t calm down.
#3 was difficult because I found that the more I meditated, the more questions I had. My journal is filled with questions that would pop up at the strangest times. This seemed counterintuitive to the idea of meditation quieting the mind. It felt like I had turned a blender on high and this journal was the catchall for thought puree. Some of the questions were related to the study of yoga like “How do I balance satya and ahimsa?” and “Who determines this balance?” Other questions were more personally identified like “Why am I forcing myself to go 1,000 miles a minute?”, “What is something I can do to have some awareness when I am going too fast?”, and “Will these things matter in the future?” Writing these questions down was a way to acknowledge what I had been avoiding by keeping myself busy. While I don’t have the answers for even half of these questions, I have started the process of trying to answer them. Seeing these questions and thoughts in my journal was scary but allowed me to validate these feelings that I’ve suppressed by keeping so busy. It also allowed me to identify that there’s no rush other than my own self-imposed rush and that much of my frustration at the world was really a frustration towards myself directed outward.